


Your Shoulder to Rest my Head

by Wixom (SunlitDarkness)



Category: X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: F/F, LGBTQ Themes, Sharing a Bed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-30
Updated: 2019-09-30
Packaged: 2020-11-08 03:23:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20828588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SunlitDarkness/pseuds/Wixom
Summary: Would you consider letting someone else close enough to you that they might smooth your rough edges? What does it mean to come home and not know where you stand with this person you don't think you'll ever be brave enough to call your girlfriend?Rambling about Illyana and Tabby dating during and after NM:Dead Souls.





	Your Shoulder to Rest my Head

**Author's Note:**

> I'm here, very queer, and projecting a lot to sort out my own feelings.

Tabby is new in her relationship when she calls Rictor crying.

"Illyana!" She says into the cell from the hallway outside her apartment. "It's Illyana!"

And Rictor has about 2 percent understanding what she means but his feet are on the floor and he's autopilot dressing himself. "Where is she? Who took her."

Tabby flails her hands; they itch with static between her fingers. "She's fine. She's HERE."

The sound of Ric's boot hitting the floor echoes over the line. "The fuck? Yeah? You're dating right? Didn't **you offer** that she could move in because you're a U-Haul lesbian deep, down in your soul and said that like 3 weeks ago?"

"YES! I DID!" Tabby shakes her hand at the air again, "I just, ….. I didn't….."

".....expect her to take it," Ric finishes for her.

"She's asleep, Ric," Tabby coughs on her tears. "I didn't know she slept."

Rictor laughs.

And Tabby's hands still. And Tabby breathes.

And this is why he's Rictor.

* * *

It takes twenty-three minutes and forty-six point two seconds for Rictor to help Tabby. Stunningly, Tabby had not locked the apartment door when she went into the hall and actually takes her shoes off when she heads back in.

Looking in at her bedroom, she can still see the spread of long blonde hair that's half spilled off the edge. Yana's fingers twitch when Tabby comes in closer. She's wearing the University of Tennessee t-shirt that Tabby hypothetically stole (Doug hacked her in to get a campus tour because apparently their shirts were VERY soft) that's almost two sizes too big for Tabby and fits Yana in an odd way. It's loose over her shoulders and baggy throughout, but the hems of the sleeves bite deep into Ilyanas arms.

Tabby sits on the edge of the bed and in the same motion that she swings her feet up, Illyana is alert.

And they are motionless.

Each waiting.

Hoping.

Asking without asking in language familiar to humans; something difficult and innate.

Tabby stares at Illyana as she moves to lie down.

Illyana doesn't break eye contact.

They lie stiff next to each other and stare.

Tabby reaches out with a foot and pokes Illyana's shin. And Illyana doesn't react.

There's no analog clock in Tabby's house nor are there watches, but her mind counts imaginary ticks while neither of them moves again.

Illyana blinks first, slow in closing but snapping back open. Tabby twitches half a smile, and the other woman grabs her wrist fast as lightning and just as fleeting.

Tabby grabs back and mutters, "Fuck it," across the pillow and hauls Illyana's arm up and over her side.

They freeze with neither breathing.

And then Tabby breaks into laughter again and flops herself closer to Illyana, pressing her cheek into Yana's shoulder and wrapping both hands around her arm.

Illyana's breathing shudders a moment but she leans in slightly and gives a pull of her face; something that's a memory of a memory of a smile.

Tabby falls asleep first.

* * *

And sometimes.

It's worth it.

When Tabby stops and looks at Kitty Pryde and feels that weird angry heartbreak, it's, um, well it's something. The wet and raw and ragged fire that starts in her throat and drips down through her lungs and diaphragm until it settles and cools into a lump in her stomach.

Because how dare so many, so fucking many wonderful women love Kitty when Kitty is a coward who murders her friendships once she realizes that aching want for more friendship with your best friend.

Jealousy isn't something that sits long; it's too much like a boomerang that leaves Tabby suddenly and then gives her a concussion when she least expects it. It's in fits and starts that she's jealous of Kitty and the attention Xi'an wants from her again. Lulls and gaps when she wants to reach out to Kitty and offer her a cup of coffee while Tabby does…. Something. Obviously something. Or maybe she'll let that something be to stand back and watch while Illyana talks to Kitty in the shitty kitchen of the apartment that's not signed in either of their real names.

Watch as Illyana takes Kitty's forehead and presses it against her own and asks in simply cryptic words "Why do you hurt yourself in this way? Why do you think you are not deserving of this?"

And maybe the Kitty that is proud and stern and Jewish in such a fundamental way, will still shake in the chair in Tabby's shitty kitchen because the Catholics and the Mormons and the Evangelicals and so many other "good Christian values" have shaped the world around them in such horrible ways as to make them afraid of what it means to kiss another girl. Tabby hasn't thought about God, a real God that isn't some different dimension that wants to control _something_ in their rotting and tragic lives, and she doesn't think she'll start now. She wants to believe and thinks that somehow she does, but thinking about God is something she'd rather leave to folks like Kurt and then be filled with affection and reassurance when they tell her about it.

And maybe, it'll be worth it. Worth it to see Illyana and Kitty together. To see if there's a place in their relationship for her, or if not their relationship, maybe just one of their hearts.

Tabby looks at the communities she's in and, God, does she want the labels. She wants to wear them like barcodes in her skin for any random person to see and they will say, "do you belong with them?"

And Tabby would flex and tell them "Fuck yeah!"

That Tabby belongs with the mutants  
The punks and rebels  
The lesbians and bisexuals and polyamorous

And it would be worth it.

All of it.

Worth it.

That Tabby would be worth it.

And she would never doubt it again.

**Author's Note:**

> Listen.  
I don't ship them endgame or true soulmates or shit like that. I saw chemistry between them and thought it might be cool to explore a period of time when they are together.


End file.
